THERE IS PEACE IN SOLITUDE...
Edition 67. August 2024
“The mind is sharper and keener in seclusion and uninterrupted solitude. Originality thrives in seclusion free of outside influences beating upon us to cripple the creative mind. Be alone. This is the secret of invention. Be alone. That is when ideas are born.”
Nikola Tesla
I was oh so pleasantly surprised to receive an email from a dear friend of mine the other day…one that I had not heard from in quite some time. We were once very, very close friends, but time and tide had caused the bonds of our friendship to weaken. Eventually we lost track of one another. So, you can imagine how thrilled I was to hear from her and read her warm wishes.
She went on and on telling me about all the changes that she’d been through and how she had decided to take to heart the advice I’d given her fifteen years ago. She wrote...
“My life has finally begun to make sense and I thank you so very much. You were right. I could not see the forest for the trees!”
I took in every word, feeling nothing but happiness for her. Close to the middle of her letter, she revealed the reason she had chosen to seek me out again...
“I have a big favor to ask of you.”
Out of respect for my friend I will skip over the personal details, and I will keep private the dilemma she was sharing with me. Instead, I will just give you the gist of her plea...
“A few weeks ago,” she began, “I received a desperate phone call from a dear, dear friend of mine. We’d been friends since we were just children. It was a plea for help. After 37 years of marriage, she suddenly finds herself alone and consumed in the nightmare that is now her loneliness. She is lost to it, and I fear she will do something terrible.
You know I would never impose on you, but please! Please, might you reach out to help her? Would you say something positive and reassuring to her, maybe in an email or a private message on Facebook. I know you don’t spend much time on social media anymore, but if anyone can help her you can Giacomino! I have tried and tried but I am not getting through to her. Now that I’ve explained to you what happened, might you share your thoughts on her situation.”
I closed the email and thought about what, if any, help I could be.
I have always believed that in order to have an opinion on a particular subject or especially to give advice on it, one must have had an actual experience with it. And so, I sat down and asked myself this question...
“What do I know about loneliness?”
For most of my adult life, at least the portion of it when I was living in America, I had been somewhat surrounded by family, loved ones and only a few close, carefully selected friends. Yet I wasn’t really happy. I was lonely...something was missing. I had convinced myself that loneliness and I were the closest of comrades.
As a young boy, I’d spent a lot of time alone, immersed and sometimes even lost in my imagination. Though surrounded by loving parents, a wonderful and caring sister and dozens and dozens of other children, all growing up in the same absolute paradise, I have the most distinct memories...
of being alone.
Though my recollections of those childhood years and my time in America have become somewhat blurred to me now…I concluded that I could in fact speak on the subject of loneliness.
“Yes,” I wrote back to my friend. "I can and will do this favor for you.”
In preparation, I took an afternoon to walk up into the chestnut grove above Terra d’Amore and contemplate what I would say to this lonely woman who was not dealing well with the sudden changes life had thrown at her.
With the sun shining on my face, I thought back to the worst time in my life…the collapse of a marriage and the loss of my two children and the years afterward that I spent lamenting and grieving for both. One thought brought about another and another and before I knew it...
all those blurred memories of my past were coming into focus again.
Truth be told, I am now and always have been for the most part, a solitary person. As I said earlier, in my seven decades of life I have had very few close friends and only one true love. So, imagine my surprise when I began delving into my past and bringing back to life all those harsh and bitter memories that I’d stowed away. Through them all, I was shocked to find not a single instance when I could honestly and truly say I was lonely.
Alone yes…lonely, no!
There wasn’t always someone I could turn to for a reassuring word or find comfort in the touch of their hand, but there were times when I found relief in my budding faith in God. What truly saved me though was my very vivid imagination. It is the one thing in my life that has never failed me...
Looking back, I can see there were several previous versions of me. I am not now either who or what I was back then. I am now where I know I belong.
I am a writer.
Writing, I have found, is a solitary job. I am a solitary person as I’ve said…maybe this is why I have chosen this path to follow at the end of my years. I have both learned and accepted...
Writing invites solitude.
I’ve found there is no one here to help me or contribute to my labors. But I want to make one thing perfectly clear...
There is absolutely nothing lonely about what I do.
I choose, intentionally and gratefully, this form of solitude. And I have come to understand there is a big, big difference between loneliness and solitude.
Despite being alone for hours and days at a time, I am surrounded constantly by my stories and characters. They become very real to me…my friends if you will. Though I sit at the same desk in the same studio day after day, sometimes as much as ten hours each day, I do not feel trapped.
To the contrary. I take journeys every day…to the most wonderful and exotic of places my imagination can take me and with the most interesting people I have ever known.
During the many hours I spend writing, I keep myself...
too busy
too immersed
too present in what I am doing
...to ever even think about loneliness.
I am never frustrated by my slow-going and always delighted by my progress. I cry at the sad parts of my stories or rejoice in my character’s accomplishments. Simply having no one around me does not make me think I am lonely. It's simply self-imposed solitude...
not self-inflicted loneliness.
Now I do realize that I always have that perfect someone close by. Someone who loves me dearly. Someone from whom I can get comfort, advice or just a friendly smile. So, I don’t really qualify as an expert on loneliness per se. But the periods of time I spend behind the keyboard act as a metaphor for loneliness of sorts.
I decided that the lesson I would share with my dear friend’s friend would be drawn from the ways I find companionship while being alone.
Now I am not so cold-hearted or naïve to think that some people are not truly alone or trapped in their loneliness. I realize that being older and finding oneself abandoned by family or missing a lifelong companion must be horrible. Suffering mental illness or depression or being confined by physical or financial limitations are very real causes of loneliness. I do get it.
Separating these people out of the equation however, I conclude that most loneliness is self-inflicted…
it is just not necessary.
There are countless ways to find companionship even in the darkest of hours.
One thing I have learned about people is that they do what works for them…good or bad, even if it hurts or destroys them. If they get a reward or any kind of payback, they will repeat the behavior again and again, over and over, to find satisfaction.
There are people who have convinced themselves they don’t matter. And in this convincing, their world becomes inconsequential and claustrophobic for them. They feel trapped inside their own lives…
Prisoners in their own body and their own minds.
They believe there is nothing they can do that can pull them out of desperation.
But that is not the truth.
They have convinced themselves that being a victim is their only source of satisfaction and validation. As sad and cruel as that may sound, these people revel in their loneliness.
As alone as I so often felt during many periods of my life, I never admitted it. I couldn’t because I knew deep down, it was not the truth. As overwhelmed with sadness as I was at times, I can’t recall ever having said aloud that I was sad.
I tried not to think about all the sad things in my life. I had this feeling that if I started to think about it, if I admitted to myself that I was all alone, well...
that was all I would ever think of again.
Everyone experiences feelings of sadness and loneliness. It is a part of being human because we are such social creatures. We might rue our lack of companionship, but with a refocus of thought & intention, there is much good that can be found in it.
Being alone allows us to find ourselves…our true self. It gives us time to think, to imagine and to take in the beauty of this world and the nature around us as we wait for the darkness to pass.
FACT: It is actually the thinking and imagining and observation of the world’s beauty that drives out the darkness and brings back the light.
I returned from the chestnut grove confident that I might be of help to this person suffering with the realities of abandonment and betrayal on the other side of the world. This is what I wrote to her...
"I am sincerely and immensely sorry that you have had to endure the end of your marriage. I myself went through this and I know firsthand what a huge adjustment it is. You find yourself alone in a quiet house that was once filled with a familiar voice.
Please know, since I received the letter from our mutual friend, I have given your situation a great deal of thought. I would like to share those thoughts with you now. They are yours to do what you will...
You are now alone. That is your reality. You must accept your lot. You would be wise to learn how to not only enjoy your time alone, but to relish it. Find ways to find contentment in your solitude. Master the art of being alone. In fact, being alone can actually be a rich, rewarding experience.
And please, if you take none of the advice I am offering today, know this...
There is a difference between loneliness and solitude.
Your goal must be to become the very best version of yourself possible. If you work on it, you will discover there is unique comfort in spending time with yourself. You will also discover that you can be alone without feeling lonely. You will re-discover things about yourself that you may well have forgotten...
You need not be dependent on anyone for your happiness or validation.
Loneliness is a condition that has been forced upon you by others. But you alone have permitted it. Solitude however, is completely voluntary and gifted to you by yourself. I hope you will choose to seek it, for the peace it brings and for its many benefits.
Solitude will expose you to peace…peace of body, peace of mind and peace in spirit. It is in your solitude that you will find your freedom...
You are free to do as your heart desires.
You can best be yourself when you are alone. If you can’t be comfortable in your solitude, you will never experience true freedom.
Solitude is what sparks your creativity. It creates the atmosphere for your creative ideas to come forth. You must be in a state of solitude in order to nurture your creativity. Solitude allows you to be focused and in so focusing, your most creative thoughts and ideas can come alive.
Solitude provides the opportunity to look into your soul. It allows time for self-examination and contemplation. It allows you to be intimate with yourself so that you can truly get to know who and what you are on a much deeper level. You need to be in a state of solitude to realize what you are not...
You are not your body.
You are not fears.
You are not your past.
You are not the abandoned woman.
This may not be what you wanted to hear, but now more than ever, what you need is solitude. Being alone will give you the power and the opportunity to examine your life to see where it needs to be changed...
What is working for you? What is not?
What can and should remain? What needs to go?
Solitude will teach you fortitude. It will give you the ability to satisfy your own needs. It is in the stillness of solitude that you will be provided with the shelter to discover yourself.
I hope you will at least try to take my advice. Take some time (each day) for the next month, whether it be in the morning, afternoon, evening or at night, to be alone with yourself without the feelings of loneliness or separation. I think you will be astounded at the results.
I will close with this...
The only person in this world that you really have to spend the rest of your life with is yourself. Stop being lonely! Stop thinking in negative manners.
As I began, your reality is that you are alone. Life has changed for you. Why not use this time to start making the decisions that will bring about the changes that will put an end to your loneliness? Go find a quiet place and find yourself!
Does this make sense to you?"
I never heard back from this person, so I do not know if she appreciated or understood what I was trying to tell her. I rest easy however in knowing that I put it out there for her and as I told her when I began, she could do with it was she wanted.
In my new book, TRUST IN THE PROCESS...BELIEVE IN THE OUTCOME, I can help you learn how to be comfortable in your loneliness. I will show you how loneliness and solitude are two completely different things.
Page by page, together we will explore what trusting in this process actually means...to truly know that there is a divine plan moving through you and through your life at any given moment, and how the most important attribute you will ever develop is believing fully and unequivocally in the outcome.
Thank you for staying with me to the end. See ya next month!
Gia
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