Dear Little One...
Updated: Jan 16, 2019
I had always dreamed of you. I’d always pictured you one day growing in my belly. I always had the thought of how perfect and beautiful you would be, so tiny and fragile.
I know it is not every woman's dream to be a mother one day, but it was mine. You see, I had this vision...a perfect image of how beautiful it would be to get married and start a family. For me, I knew that was all that I needed to be happy. Before I knew it, I met a boy. He was the one! I knew I would spend the rest of my life with him.
We fell in love. We were young...kids really. But oh my goodness, how perfect we were together! We could finish each other’s thoughts. We spent every waking moment together. Just holding his hand thrilled me! Just looking into his eyes made my head spin. And the first time he told me he loved me...well, my heart just melted! It was perfect.
But then one day I woke up and my perfect world was not perfect any more. I was pregnant...with you. At that moment, I changed...the world changed...everything changed.
I felt scared, ashamed, and unprepared. I felt completely alone in this world. I could never tell Tommy...I feared he would disappear. I could never tell my parents...they would never understand. The reality of my situation set in quickly and I was faced with the hardest decision I would ever have to make. I just never knew how hard it was going to be or how much it was going to change my life.
Now I want you to know something. As God is my witness, nothing would have made me happier then to be able to have seen you grow inside me and to one day hold you in my arms. But as you know, that will never happen.
I'm sorry that your mommy is a coward. I am sorry that I am frightened to death. My dream was to be able to provide the best for you...to be there for you always and to support you and love you unconditionally. But you have to understand something...I was facing the toughest and most heartbreaking moment of my life.
But I made my decision and nothing is going to bring you back. I don’t have the right words to say to you. I had to face this alone.
I wished your father was here to help me through this but he would never understand my decision. He is not ready to be a dad. He doesn’t have a job and he still depends on his parents. What kind of a life could we have given you?
I live with my parents. I have a job but it is not a good one. I barely get by myself. Where would I have gotten the money for diapers and formula and doctor visits. You understand...don’t you. This just was not the right time. It was a terrible time as a matter of fact.
There is nothing stable in my life at this point. If I could, I would snap my fingers and time would pass and I would graduate from college. Your father would have a good job. We would have an apartment...you would have your own little room. We would have painted it baby blue and hung mobiles over your crib...
You see, I already knew you were a little boy. Your name is Bradley. I named you after my brother. He was killed a few years ago...in a war.
You are everything I ever dreamed of Bradley...so perfect and so innocent. You will never be forgotten. I will love you and remember you forever. But your life was not meant to be. My life will go on but yours has ended.
I am sorry...
THE CHILD I NEVER HAD...
It's hard for me to explain the emotions I feel right now. I feel ashamed, betrayed, angry, confused. I don’t know what to think or where to turn. I look at myself in the mirror and I am ashamed. I have cried so many tears. What a terrible mistake we've made.
How could she have been so selfish...to sacrifice an innocent life?
But I will take the blame. I will cry the tears for the child I never had. I wonder if you are up in heaven and if you can see me? If I only would have known. If only I could have had the chance to meet you and hold you!
If I could do it all over again, I'd give my life instead. You'd be here right now. I'd be there in your place. I would be dead and you would be alive. You would be here growing up, learning to be a little boy...being happy! It is an experience I've already had and it was incredible.
There is nothing but emptiness that flows through my life right now. All this love I have inside of me for you I will never be able to show. I would have given you all of me. I would have learned to be a good father. You would have made me grow up and become a man. You would have done more for me than I ever could have possibly done for you.
I would give anything to know what your little hand would have felt like in mine. I wonder what your little voice would have sounded like. I would have felt so much joy watching you grow.
I am so sorry little boy. Please forgive me.
HOW DIFFERENT MY LIFE WOULD BE...
Today I would have a grandchild...a little boy named Bradley, a little boy to remind me of my own son...a little boy to love and make his life as perfect as I could.
But my daughter had an abortion. I think of how different my life would have been had she chosen to give life instead of taking it. There are only a few things in life that can crush your soul and believe me...this has crushed mine.
My daughter is forever changed too. I pray for peace for her. I pray for all women and young girls who have made the same decision she has made. I pray too for healing for everyone affected by abortion because the damage it does is not suffered only by the mother and the lost child.
Had she just come to us. Had she just sought me out for advice. I would have tried everything to change her mind. I would have told her that this is what families are for and that ours would come together for Bradley’s sake.
We never were a very religious family but I thought I’d taught her that life is sacred and it is neither our right nor our decision to take it. But I also raised her to make her own decisions and promised I would always support her...no matter what.
But it looks like my mixed messages have failed. I’ve failed her and I’ve failed my grandson. I found out after it was too late but I don’t know if I could have or would have been able to change her mind.
Bradley would have known all his aunts and uncles and grandparents. He could have brought such joy into this world. But we will never know what kind of a little boy Bradley would have grown to be.
My daughter is not speaking to me because she thinks I have judged her for her decision. But I haven’t. It was hers to make...not mine. She will have to live with what she’s done. But her father won’t even be in the same room with her. Our family is broken.
She wants to pretend that everything's fine but she isn’t...she won’t talk about any of this. She has a job and she works hard. She pays her bills but I just don't know if she is going to get past this. It makes me so sad.
I have to let all this go. I am a 62 year-old woman and I must learn to find new things to live for. I must never tell my daughter that I am mourning my beautiful grandchild...the little boy that I was never able to meet. She must never know this.
I AM IN PAIN...
I have to tell you something...I am in pain. I am in pain because my son is in pain. His girlfriend had an abortion. She did not tell him. He had no say in the life his baby. Today we learned it was a little boy. I am in pain. That tiny baby could have been my first grandchild.
We are Catholics and I raised my son to believe abortion is wrong. The people at the clinic where that girl killed my grandson told her it wasn’t a baby...just a lump of cells. Maybe it was...I don’t know. But what I do know is that those cells were human cells and in them was a human soul.
I have friends and family members who have aborted their children and they've all lived to regret it.
My son broke down today. He told me he regrets everything. He wishes that his girlfriend would have changed her mind or at least told him what she was going to do. He feels he too is responsible for his son’s death. All I can do is pray for him and support him.
He doesn’t have a job and still lives here with us. He is confused and lost from all of this. I am not saying he was ready to be a father but that baby should not have had to pay with his life for the mistakes his parents made .
My son and that girl should have at least given the baby a chance. I mean, there are adoption agencies. I know the girl’s family...they are good people. They would have helped...I know they would have.
I always joked that I was too young to be a grandparent, but now I regret saying it. I would have loved to have helped raise that child.
Please pray for my son...
The message for today is to remind us that the decisions we make affect more than just us...